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So much love.

 Snapp secret... I don't have children yet, but I already love my future children. I know that not all families planning for children are the same. But let me tell you about my family. Colt and I love, absolutely love our future children. We already have their names picked out. When we see children out and about doing things we say to each-other, "I hope Rosemary is like that." "I wonder if Tarragon will do that too." We think about them daily. They are a daily part of our conversation. We have an entire room dedicated to them already, and they aren't even here yet.


I watched a teen girl be baptized at my church this weekend and it brought me to tears. Not tears of sadness but tears of happiness, tears of happiness for her and tears of happiness when I imagine Rosemary one day being baptized. One day Rosemary telling the world that her heart belongs to Christ. 


I love Rosemary and Tarragon. I absolutely love them. I have so far had 4 miscarriages. And my insurance has paid out over 100,000 this year on hospital bills and fertility treatments. Tomorrow I will take a pill to induce labor and my mother will drive me an hour and a half to go to a doctor that will clean out my uterus of any abnormalities that have caused these miscarriages. Once that is done 3 weeks later I will begin to do an enormous amount of hormones in order to try to get pregnant. These hormones will most likely make me have a mental health crisis, and for this reason my mother will be staying with us while I'm on them.


To say the least. I LOVE my future child. I love them enough that I am putting my body through hell just to have them. I love them enough all my extra money goes towards them. I love them enough that they are a large part of my every day conversation. I absolutely love them, and they haven't even been formed.


There is this crazy thing I know though. God's love for us is even more in depth, and more intense than my love for my unborn child. Whatever love I have for this child pales in comparison to God's love for this child. God's love for me. God's love for you. My love is nothing compared to His love.


I never knew such love as the love I have for my future child, until I got pregnant last winter. I didn't know such a love could exist. And still my love is nothing compared to God's love for us. 


I wonder if God sees people on earth when I was still an egg in my mother and thought, "oh wow I hope Lindsay is baptized one day too." Or maybe he thought, "oh Lindsay will look just like that woman there." I can imagine him thinking, "Lindsay will be so excited to discover driving for the first time." I truly believe he thought about me long before I was formed. I believe he prepared a room for me in my mother's womb perfectly just so I would be born just like I was flaws and gifts and all. 


I can't imagine the heart ache I would feel if Rosemary or Tarragon rejected us. I can't imagine how sad my heart would feel if they cut off communication and told their friends they hated us and were going to get new parents. I just can't imagine how much it would break my heart.


I rejected God for a long time. I think a part of me always knew he was there, but I wanted nothing to do with him. A punisher, a being that had rules and standards? That being was no friend of mine I thought. I wanted to be in the presence of a God or entity that was all accepting of me being evil and horrible and disgusting. That was the type of God I desired. 


Side note: while I felt this way I had my own rules and standards and punishments I would give if anyone crossed my boundaries or did something wrong like racism or sexism. It's funny how it was ok for ME to have standards and rules but the idea of God having standards and rules was horrible to me. How absolutely out of touch I was.


Back to my train of thought. I can't imagine how hurt and sad I must have made God when I rejected him and went on a kick of believing in energy as God. Believing in new ageism and science as my Lord and savior. How that must have broken Gods heart. Here he had spent an eternity planning for me, dreaming about my future, desiring a relationship with me, creating a world just for myself and his other children to thrive in. And I had the audacity to reject him. Reject my Father the Lord God Almighty.


But like any loving parent, God kept the door open for me. God never locked me out. God always left the key under the mat so that when I was ready I could come back to him. Loving someone who spoke evil against you, rejected you, hated you, is the most selfless act you can do. And the Lord Almighty loves us enough to do that. I deserve to be locked out forever, I deserve to be the laughing stock of heaven, I deserve to be hated by God. But he loves me more than I've ever been loved in my life. He loves me more that any person, animal, anything. His love for me pales in comparison to the love I will ever give anyone else. 


I wish my friends that reject God knew how absolutely rediculous it is to reject him. How he desired their existence, he built a beautiful room for them in their mother's womb. How he went through pain and suffering of the death of his Son on the cross just so we could go to heaven one day. How he loves us more than the friends we choose over him, the partner we choose over him, the family we choose over him. He loves us more than that. How can we reject God who loves us so much? How can we think we're superior to him because he has rules and standards, something we also have in our own lives? How can we turn our backs on him? 


I won't lie and say my life is perfect since coming back to Christ. It's not. As a reminder I've had 3 miscarriages in the last 8 months. My body is going through hell to have a baby. I'm too sick with some mystery illness to work. My father's half of my family has nothing to do with me. The list can go on. Life is not perfect. But I'm so glad I walked back through God's front door and came back to my Father's table. Because the love I've been given by God makes up for every single bad thing and more. I feel a deep sense of happiness and joy in my life. A joy that comes directly from my knowledge that my Father the Lord loves me. A joy and peace that can only be known when you have God in your life.


I pray you all may know the Lord one day. Your friends and family will believe and love the Lord one day. Because his love is beyond any love we've ever known.


Lindsay Snapp

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